I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
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And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
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Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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