im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
