yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
