I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
