Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
