Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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