the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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