fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
everyone is single if you try hard enough
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
