Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
