is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
