Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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