So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm at about main and main street
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
