lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
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I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
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You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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