if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
