I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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