It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
