Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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