That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
