someone get that fucking seahorse.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
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