My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Im part way to drunk.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
