Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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