we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
