Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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