So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
