Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
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