you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
