Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
