Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just pynch a tree in the face
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
