I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
