I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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