I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
