I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
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Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
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I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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