I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
