Don't make out with my wife yet
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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