She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
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It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
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Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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