and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The power of my boobs compel you
Randomize
