I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
