It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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