I have demons in me.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
