I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
