i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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