I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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