I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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