I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
