we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
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Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
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The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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