You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you guys were way drunker than both of me
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
