You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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