i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
