the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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