The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
