The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
