12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
