Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
