I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Ketchup is God's man juice
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
