During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
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