Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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