All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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